Saturday, 30 July 2016

Anxiety or Just Nerves?

I've been wanting to write this for a long time (actually, a very long time) and now I've finally decided to just write it and see whether or not I should post this or not.

I've always been a shy kid. Most of my childhood memories actually consist of me standing behind my mum at family events and only hanging around one or two people at a time. But since I was around ten years old, I started to feel sick while either going out places or talking to people. I didn't have many friends when I was ten, either. In fact, the only friend that I had was in the year above me so I didn't actually have anyone to talk to in school. All of a sudden, I would get these stomach aches and I just wanted to cry and I had no clue what was going on. I missed a lot of school that year.

However, now that I'm nearly 16, I've began to feel a lot worse. I don't miss school, but certain things seem to terrify me. I know this sounds stupid, but there's this teacher that picks on random people for answers, and I am TERRIFIED to go to their class. Once, he asked me a question that I couldn't answer. I said that I didn't know the answer, despite me actually having an answer, but because I wasn't sure if it was right, I didn't want to answer. However, he kept pushing me and pushing me for an answer until one of my friends just blurted it out. She said I looked ill. I'm pale as a ghost anyway, but I'd went really pale, I had started shaking and I just felt like crying (I actually did cry after the lesson) and I hated myself for it. There's been other situations like this, for example: the 5SOS concert, my German speaking exam, having to speak to strangers. It's actually gotten to the point where I avoid certain places where I've felt like this. It's bloody ridiculous.

I've tried talking to people about this, but all everyone says is: "stop being scared of everything," "you're overreacting," "it's just nerves," or "you can't go through life like this." And now, because of people saying these things, I've just kept quiet about it for over a year. I don't think people understand that I can't control how I feel. If I could, I wouldn't be like this because I hate making a fuss.

I just don't know. I don't know why I feel like this, but I know that it upsets me. I now feel like I'm making a fuss to everyone reading this, but it's how I feel.

Now, I'm going to press the 'publish' button before I re-read this and decide to delete it. Have a nice day, guys!

- Caitlin xxx

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Things That Introverts Would Understand

If you don't know already, I'm an introvert. This means that I tend to keep to myself or around close friends, I don't usually go out, and I'm perfectly content with sitting at home by myself reading a book, listening to music or watching videos on youtube for hours at a time. Here, I have made a list of different situations that an introvert would understand.

1. Dreading Speaking Exams
In my school, we have speaking exams for languages and English (but we don't do English Speaking at GCSE). I would always get so stressed for these exams but not because I wasn't prepared or because I hate exams; because I had to speak.
For a speaking assessment last year, everyone had to prepare an argument for a topic of their choice (I think I chose bullying) and it had to be at least one minute long. You're probably thinking: "pfft, what's a minute? That's fine!"
Not. For. Me.
Every second felt like an entire year, and my voice shook so much that I had to start sentences over. But guess what?
We had to speak in front of the whole class. And judging from the fact that the lesson before an entire table of boys laughed at me for no reason, you can guess how terrified I was. I thought I was lucky because we wouldn't be speaking in register order (my surname unfortunately starts with a C so I'm always one of the first) oh no. We got the lollipop sticks of doom.
Every second of waiting for the teacher to pull out the lollipop stick with my name on killed me. It felt like waiting for the hunger games to begin - only that I would be alone. And when I stood up for my inevitable social demise, I freaked. I almost cried. And it turns out that the speaking exam brought my English level down by nearly two grades so that was fun.

Thursday, 2 June 2016

May Favourites

Book: The 5th Wave
My mum bought me this book since I was dragged up to Scotland with my dad and brother while she was flying off to Marbella (fair, I know) and because I was going to buy it myself after I watched the film (of the same name) starring Chloe Grace Moretz. I haven't finished it yet, but so far I am loving it! Humanity is on the brink of extinction, thanks to the four waves sent out to Earth by an alien ship that hovers right over the Earth. The story follows Cassie - a teenage survivor that struggles to keep a promise to reunite with her younger brother, whilst simultaneously trying to stay alive.

TV: Supernatural
I can't get over this show. I'm actually obsessed with it. If you haven't heard of it, it is about two brothers (Sam and Dean Winchester) that hunt demons. I was going to start watching this last year, but I thought that I would be too scared since it can actually be quite frightening in some places (*cough* the bloody mary episode) but it's honestly not as scary as I thought it would be and I can actually watch it before I go to bed now (famous last words right there!)

TV Again: Dance Moms
I'm not one for reality shows, but Dance Mom's is my guilty obsession. I don't know what it is about it, but something about this show always makes me click on the next episode. I can't explain it; it's one of those things that you have to watch to understand. 

Gaming: Assassins Creed: Syndicate
I got this game for Christmas when I got my xbox one, but I have only started playing it recently and I wish that I had started it sooner! I love the fact that you can now play as a boy and a girl, and you can take back Victorian London from the Templars, which gives you more to do after you have finished the main game. I'm still playing (since the game is so big) but I'm still loving it!

Music: Melanie Martinez
You know those days where you spend most of the day on youtube just clicking on the next thing that pops up in your recommendations just for the sake of it? (Please say that it is not just me that has no life). Well, that was how I discovered Melanie Martinez. I listened to her song 'Dollhouse' which then led me to listening to her entire 'Crybaby' album on spotify. 

I'm going to be posting more soon since the holidays are coming up. I just need to get through mocks then blogging can be my priority :)
Don't forget to follow my bloglovin and I hope that you all have a lovely day wherever you are in the world! xxx

Sunday, 22 May 2016

School Makeup + Quick Life Update!

It recently occurred to me that I don't actually have many beauty posts on this blog. Maybe because my makeup skills are about as good as my ability to revise for a German exam (*cough* rubbish *cough*) but since the products that I use are brilliant and mostly affordable, I thought that I would share with you all the makeup that I wear every day for school.

Sunday, 15 May 2016

My Favourite Books

First of all, I apologise for not writing anything for a month, I have had a TON of school work with mocks coming up in a couple of weeks, and I've been spending my free time writing a story.
Now, I have taken a step back and today I am going to dive into reading instead of writing and I am going to share with you all my favourite books.

1. The Saga of Darren Shan
These books are my all-time FAVOURITES. I can't get over how good the storyline is and how well it is written. There's no lengthy chunks of overwhelming description which leaves more to the imagination and allows you to quickly progress with meeting the characters and dive straight into action. My favourite book in the series is "vampire mountain" which is the 4th book in the saga. It had everything that I love: training for fights, intense scenes of action, character development, small bits of humour. It's everything that I think a book should be and I spent my entire holiday with my family reading all twelve of them (yes, there's twelve excluding the spin-off which I will get to in a minute).
Genre: Horror
Author: Darren Shan

2. The Saga of Larten Crepsley.
Yes, I'm obsessed with Darren Shan's books. Written in a similar way, the spin-off to the saga of Darren Shan shows the past of Darren's secretive mentor: Mr Crepsley. It shows how Larten went from being an innocent boy working in a factory for a cruel foreman, to becoming the person he is in the original saga. 
Genre: Horror
Author: Darren Shan

3. The Witch Finder
I was in WHSmith when I just happened to stumble across this book on the shelf. This story is about the love story of Luke and Rosa. Luke, is a witch finder who is sent on his first hunt to find and kill the young witch Rosa, who is engaged to the frightening warlock Sebastian. You're probably rolling your eyes right now but trust me, I actually enjoyed it! It's one of those books where you have to read it to understand how good it is. I have also bought the sequel, which I have nearly finished, but it is not as intriguing as the first one but, then again, books usually aren't.
Genre: Romance/Fantasy?
Author: Ruth Warburton

I am currently reading A LOT of books at once. I have this problem where I will buy a book, start to read it, and then buy another book which I will start to read and the cycle continues. 
What are your favourite books that you have read from cover to cover? Have you read any of the books that I have recommended?