Saturday, 30 July 2016

Anxiety or Just Nerves?

I've been wanting to write this for a long time (actually, a very long time) and now I've finally decided to just write it and see whether or not I should post this or not.

I've always been a shy kid. Most of my childhood memories actually consist of me standing behind my mum at family events and only hanging around one or two people at a time. But since I was around ten years old, I started to feel sick while either going out places or talking to people. I didn't have many friends when I was ten, either. In fact, the only friend that I had was in the year above me so I didn't actually have anyone to talk to in school. All of a sudden, I would get these stomach aches and I just wanted to cry and I had no clue what was going on. I missed a lot of school that year.

However, now that I'm nearly 16, I've began to feel a lot worse. I don't miss school, but certain things seem to terrify me. I know this sounds stupid, but there's this teacher that picks on random people for answers, and I am TERRIFIED to go to their class. Once, he asked me a question that I couldn't answer. I said that I didn't know the answer, despite me actually having an answer, but because I wasn't sure if it was right, I didn't want to answer. However, he kept pushing me and pushing me for an answer until one of my friends just blurted it out. She said I looked ill. I'm pale as a ghost anyway, but I'd went really pale, I had started shaking and I just felt like crying (I actually did cry after the lesson) and I hated myself for it. There's been other situations like this, for example: the 5SOS concert, my German speaking exam, having to speak to strangers. It's actually gotten to the point where I avoid certain places where I've felt like this. It's bloody ridiculous.

I've tried talking to people about this, but all everyone says is: "stop being scared of everything," "you're overreacting," "it's just nerves," or "you can't go through life like this." And now, because of people saying these things, I've just kept quiet about it for over a year. I don't think people understand that I can't control how I feel. If I could, I wouldn't be like this because I hate making a fuss.

I just don't know. I don't know why I feel like this, but I know that it upsets me. I now feel like I'm making a fuss to everyone reading this, but it's how I feel.

Now, I'm going to press the 'publish' button before I re-read this and decide to delete it. Have a nice day, guys!

- Caitlin xxx

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Things That Introverts Would Understand

If you don't know already, I'm an introvert. This means that I tend to keep to myself or around close friends, I don't usually go out, and I'm perfectly content with sitting at home by myself reading a book, listening to music or watching videos on youtube for hours at a time. Here, I have made a list of different situations that an introvert would understand.

1. Dreading Speaking Exams
In my school, we have speaking exams for languages and English (but we don't do English Speaking at GCSE). I would always get so stressed for these exams but not because I wasn't prepared or because I hate exams; because I had to speak.
For a speaking assessment last year, everyone had to prepare an argument for a topic of their choice (I think I chose bullying) and it had to be at least one minute long. You're probably thinking: "pfft, what's a minute? That's fine!"
Not. For. Me.
Every second felt like an entire year, and my voice shook so much that I had to start sentences over. But guess what?
We had to speak in front of the whole class. And judging from the fact that the lesson before an entire table of boys laughed at me for no reason, you can guess how terrified I was. I thought I was lucky because we wouldn't be speaking in register order (my surname unfortunately starts with a C so I'm always one of the first) oh no. We got the lollipop sticks of doom.
Every second of waiting for the teacher to pull out the lollipop stick with my name on killed me. It felt like waiting for the hunger games to begin - only that I would be alone. And when I stood up for my inevitable social demise, I freaked. I almost cried. And it turns out that the speaking exam brought my English level down by nearly two grades so that was fun.