Saturday, 30 July 2016

Anxiety or Just Nerves?

I've been wanting to write this for a long time (actually, a very long time) and now I've finally decided to just write it and see whether or not I should post this or not.

I've always been a shy kid. Most of my childhood memories actually consist of me standing behind my mum at family events and only hanging around one or two people at a time. But since I was around ten years old, I started to feel sick while either going out places or talking to people. I didn't have many friends when I was ten, either. In fact, the only friend that I had was in the year above me so I didn't actually have anyone to talk to in school. All of a sudden, I would get these stomach aches and I just wanted to cry and I had no clue what was going on. I missed a lot of school that year.

However, now that I'm nearly 16, I've began to feel a lot worse. I don't miss school, but certain things seem to terrify me. I know this sounds stupid, but there's this teacher that picks on random people for answers, and I am TERRIFIED to go to their class. Once, he asked me a question that I couldn't answer. I said that I didn't know the answer, despite me actually having an answer, but because I wasn't sure if it was right, I didn't want to answer. However, he kept pushing me and pushing me for an answer until one of my friends just blurted it out. She said I looked ill. I'm pale as a ghost anyway, but I'd went really pale, I had started shaking and I just felt like crying (I actually did cry after the lesson) and I hated myself for it. There's been other situations like this, for example: the 5SOS concert, my German speaking exam, having to speak to strangers. It's actually gotten to the point where I avoid certain places where I've felt like this. It's bloody ridiculous.

I've tried talking to people about this, but all everyone says is: "stop being scared of everything," "you're overreacting," "it's just nerves," or "you can't go through life like this." And now, because of people saying these things, I've just kept quiet about it for over a year. I don't think people understand that I can't control how I feel. If I could, I wouldn't be like this because I hate making a fuss.

I just don't know. I don't know why I feel like this, but I know that it upsets me. I now feel like I'm making a fuss to everyone reading this, but it's how I feel.

Now, I'm going to press the 'publish' button before I re-read this and decide to delete it. Have a nice day, guys!

- Caitlin xxx

2 comments:

  1. Oh Caitlin <3

    I have the exact same problem.

    First things first, don't let anybody down you or make you feel bad. Don't allow it, you're a star in the sky and you can shine as bright as you like.

    Secondly, as much as I might not understand exactly how you feel since we're different people, I know in certain parts what you're dealing with.
    I was always a shy person who only opened up to people I liked. Likewise when I was 10, I moved back to Poland. I was terrified of everything. In England teachers would be nice, they'd smile and so on. Here, teachers would shout practically all the time, not to mention when you did something wrong. From that moment I have been afraid of school.
    It was much harder for me to make friends and I would have headaches as much as stomach pains before stressful lessons or days. I would even fake it a lot of the times just to skip school. One time I actually had to go to the hospital because I stressed myself out a little too much. Now I'm in a different school and it was fine until of course my maths teacher, the teacher I most wanted to impress, picked me as her least favourite student and started throwing all of her hatred towards me. Even now I am petrified of maths. But luckily I have a little bit of positive news to tell you too.

    My mum has gone through a LOT in her life. She's always been there for me and one thing that she told me (MISDOM = Mum + wISDOM) was "If you can't change it, you have to live with it". I hated it the first time I heard it but it's the honest truth, certain things you just can't change. I can't change that my maths teacher is a horrible *bad word* but I have to live with it. After all, every sort of pain ends.
    Also, supply yourself with people who you trust, who you can talk about everything and nothing with, for the feeling of certainty. All bad things come to an end.
    Another thing; the way I dealt with a lot of the stress was by simply finding a way to let it all out. For a long time period (somewhere round 2012 - 2014) I kept a diary. I grew out of it. A few months later though, I found myself writing everyday on my blog. The reason behind it was that I needed someone or something to tell my problems to, to let it all out of my head. And I do it to this day and in a creative way.

    Just remember that you always have someone holding you up and supporting you - me. You can tell me all your troubles, anything that's haunting you and I'll try my best to help you and I'll do something that us introverts need; I'll listen. And whenever you think that you're being a burden or that I'm just a stranger and I don't care blah blah blah... I really do care. If anything, these situations a) make me like a person more, b) help the person out themselves. I am here for you now and always. I would write more but I got a little lost while writing so I can't remember what I've said already (and I can't be bothered to scroll up and see haha). You're not crazy, it's fine. In this massive world there are a lot of people dealing with the same thing, you are not alone :) (I am here with youuuuuu, though you're faaarr awaaaaaaay, I am here to staaaaaay)

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    Replies
    1. This took me so unbelievably long to actually find because I've been neglecting all social media (excluding twitter) for so long! Thank you so much for this comment, Gabby - I needed it. I just hate feeling in the dark and it's good to know that I'm not alone. I hope that your maths lessons are going better - I don't know what age you finish school but I imagine it's not long to go - after all, you won't have to live with her forever. I second what you said as well: you can tell me your troubles and know that I'll be there to listen. Thank you. Gab.
      xx

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